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A man’s sense of humor! I thought it was funny….

December 26, 2010

The following was written by a man…author unknown:

Most of the time I am focused on my career, trying to better those around me, and removing
all those clothes hanging on my treadmill.

I have been told I am sensitive, sincere, affectionate, optimistic, kind, and charming.
Of course it was my Aunt Mary who said that about me when I was six.

The older I get, the more I appreciate life, HBO and Showtime.

In addition to searching for love, romance and my keys, I finally joined a gym, and I try to work-out 3 times a year.
Yea- I don’t like to rush into things.

So, life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

Some people see things as they are and say “Why?” I say “A thousand empty parking spaces, and yet, there is one car parked right next to mine!” (probably the same guy who sits in front of me in the movie theater when the entire theater is empty)

What do I think are some of the ingredients for a successful relationship? Love, best of friends, trust, we teach and inspire each other.
And most of all, I can use your Sams card.

I just adopted a puppy from the Animal Shelter. So far she has chewed up my bed-sheets, shoes, important documents, cordless drill, rugs, pillows, carpet, my daily newspaper, my briefcase, my checkers board and pieces, and doormat. And yet, man’s best friend is still his dog.

And do you notice this about your dog? When you play with her and blow in her face — she gets mad at you — but when you take her for a ride — SHE STICKS HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW!

People ask me – what kind of dog is she? I tell them, she is part Pug, part Pain in the Ass.

I respect anyone that works at The Dollar Store. I think they only make a dollar an hour.

And EVERY TIME I buy snacks at the dollar store … they always taste stale. And I ALWAYS tell myself, that is the LAST time I buy snacks at the dollar store. However, stupid me, EVERY TIME I go back to the dollar store, I buy snacks again! It’s cause I always get sucked into that “wow, these chips are only a dollar!!!” Anyway, I got extra bags of chips, crackers … now I don’t wanna throw them out … and you thought you had problems?

I think Cupid needs some help or something. So many of us are waiting on love …
I feel your pain. I think you just keep trying and hoping and never lose sight of where WalMart is.

Tell a new friend you love them. That should confuse them. The more confused people in the world — the better.

I am trying to boost my self esteem. I am adding me to my Facebook favorites.

Women are the greatest, men are like ninth on the list … that’s why women have so many girlfriends — to fill in the gap.

I believe we should care about the happiness and success of others and offer them
all the help and encouragement they need. And if you are fortunate
to have ten really good friends … then you probably own a fish tank.

So many people hope they can win the lottery. Not me. I hope I have enough tomorrows to correct yesterdays mistakes.

And why do they call it a foot massage? Seems to me, it should be feet massage.
No-one ever says, “Oh, please only massage my one foot.”

I wonder, after all these years — has anyone ever told Chaka Khan something good?

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

OTHER HEADLINES I AM CONSIDERING FOR MY PROFILE:
“Being on Facebook has taught me to never give up …. learning how to crochet”
“Only two million more clicks to go …”
“So many other better looking guys than me … but none that are better spellers”

Some profiles say — “I am one in a million.” How can that be? There are over six billion people in the world.

My favorite Facebook headline-profile; the gal wrote:
“I have no clue what I am doing.” I relate with her frustration –
in that I know what I am doing — but no-one else seems to know what I am doing.

Although the California gals profiles tend to be arrogant and peculiar. Example: “Will only meet a man residing within 3 miles of Beverly Hills.” I wrote her — and asked, “if your soul-mate lives 4 or 5 miles out –then what?” On the other hand, a Yakima, WA profile:
“Any man within North America – contact me ASAP.” …LOL!!!

The funniest headline profile I saw: “Someone who will not press charges.”

In High School — I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” I hated that. Too much pressure.
Am going back and ask if they will change it to “Most Likely To Do Something.”

Very rare that I reeeeaaaallly like someone. Even rarer to see “reeeeaaaallly” used in Scrabble.

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become FedUP. The employees will be from Facebook. We know what it’s like to be fedup.

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